Forbidden Love
by Lina.Chivas
Summary: When she learns her love is dying, Kathryn Janeway realizes she cannot hide anymore from her own feelings.


Ok. So this is one of my very first stories ever. It was written some time ago and may be quite naive on places. And as much I'd like to, I haven't changed anything to my story while posting it here. Paramount owns everything trek, but I own Lina-Maari Reiner, the young woman who's had the unfortune to fall in love with the great Captain Kathryn Janeway. In case you're wondering; yes Lina is my alter ego in the world of Star Trek.

Enjoy!

* * *

The Captain of Voyager entered the messhall.

"Captain what a surprise to see you! Can I get you anything?"

Kathryn Janeway smiled at Neelix.

"No thank you, just a cup of coffee."

"Are you sure? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!"

"No, I have to be on the bridge in a few minutes."

"You're the captain."

Neelix started to pore up the black liquid in a cup and gave it to Kathryn.

"Thank you", she said and walked away.

Neelix started talking to a crewmember in a corner, and no one really noticed the captain's short visit.

Except for one person. A girl, hiding behind a bulkhead in the kitchen, following the captain's every move, begging not to be noticed.

--

When Kathryn entered the bridge, Tom Paris stood and surrendered the captain's chair to her. She smiled tired and sat down.

"Are you okay, Captain? You look like you haven't slept for two weeks."

Kathryn smiled at him.

"I _feel_ like I haven't slept in two weeks."

Tom didn't find anything to say, so he went down to his usual workstation; the Conn.

--

Lina pulled up the arm on her shirt to look at the dark stains on her arm. What if someone saw them? How could she explain without telling too much?

She sighed.

It was almost over now, just a few more days. She had the bottle of poison, hidden in her quarters, and the letter was almost finished.

"Lina?"

Lina spun around to look at Neelix, hiding her arm behind her back.

"Yes?"

"Can you help me here?"

"Of course."

Suddenly, she felt very dizzy.

--

Kathryn hid a yawn.

"I think I'd better check the mess hall report."

She stood.

"You have the bridge."

"The Doctor to the captain."

"Janeway here?"

"Could you please report to sickbay?"

"Doctor I don't have time for any medical inspections right now…"

"Lina just collapsed in the mess hall."

Kathryn immediately turned to the turbolift.

--

Kathryn entered sickbay. Lina was lying on a biobed, unconscious.

"What happened?"

"She just collapsed", Neelix reported.

Kathryn turned to the Doctor.

"What's wrong with her?"

"I can't tell at this point, but I've found something strange."

He lifted the sheet covering her shoulder and revealed a dark area of skin.

Kathryn gasped.

"What is it?"

"I can't tell at this point, all I know is that she has them all over her body, and that they're growing."

"Why? And what are they?", Neelix asked.

"The only way to figure that out is to have her under supervision for a while."

Kathryn swallowed.

"Is this the reason why she collapsed?" She asked.

"I don't think so, but at this point I can only guess."

"You can't tell me why she collapsed?" Kathryn felt annoyed, how hard could it be?

"No. And if you excuse me, my patient must have some rest."

Kathryn and Neelix left the sickbay.

As soon as they did, the Doctor sat down by his computer.

"Computer, open all bio-files on the species Zora."

"Reference found."

--

An hour later, Commander Chakotay was called down to sickbay. Kathryn looked surprised at him, he returned her by the explanation:

"After all, she is a former Maquis…"

And he turned.

--

"Look at these readings."

"The skin isn't capable to function on the black parts of her body."

Chakotay and the Doctor stood in sickbay, in front of a monitor.

"Not let go of heat, not take up oxygen."

"Is that why she collapsed?"

"Yes, she didn't get enough oxygen, and the water levels in her body are worryingly low. I believe that's the biggest reason, and for a Zora that's a very serous matter."

Chakotay nodded.

"She once told me she had to be in contact with water at least once a day. Maybe she hasn't done that for a long time…"

"No, I think I have the answer."

The Doctor pushed some buttons and the screen changed.

"Has she ever told you what happens when her species falls in love?"

Chakotay sighed.

"No, I don't think she's ever mentioned anything about it."

"Well then let's have an interspecies medical lesson."

The Doctor gave Chakotay a padd.

"Do you know how old Lina are?"

"I think she's about 30."

"35 to be exact."

The Doctor looked at Lina, lying on the primary biobed.

"When a Zora turns 30, a process starts in their physiology. It's time to choose a mate. And when they, after that number, fall in love; it's for a lifetime." He turned to Chakotay. "Those black stains on her body are usually light green."

Chakotay nodded, yes he remembered how Lina had laughed at him when he found one of them and asked her if she was ill.

"If they get a positive answer, the stains glow, but if they don't, they turn gray, and eventually black. It's the natural choice."

"Are you saying she's in love?"

"Yes, in someone whom she can't have."

"Will it pass?"

"No, I'm afraid she's dying."

Chakotay looked at the Doctor, not exactly believing what he was hearing.

"Isn't there anything we can do to stop it?"

"I'm sorry."

Chakotay walked a few steppes. Turned and sighed.

"Can't we do anything?"

"We can try to find out who she's in love with."

"How?"

"I can try to monitor her readings near other people."

"Heartbeat?"

"Yes, if we're lucky, her beloved one will come in and my readings will show it."

Chakotay nodded.

"And I can see if I can find anything in her quarters."

"Good idea."

Then the Doctor stopped.

"What do I tell her?"

"Tell her she will have to stay in sickbay for a few days. And don't tell anybody else, not even the captain."

"Yes sir."

Chakotay walked out, clearly worried.

--

Two hours later the captain entered sickbay.

"Have you found anything?"

"No, captain. But she's awake if you want to talk to her."

Again, Kathryn felt annoyed, but stuffed it down as she approached Lina, lying on the biobed with her eyes closed.

"Lina?"

Lina opened her eyes, she was in pain and was probably drugged in some way.

She smiled faintly.

"Hello captain."

Lina felt the irony of the situation. The captain, whom she loved with all her heart, was standing there in front of her, asking how she was doing.

_If you only knew_, Lina thought.

"How are you feeling?"

"Oh I'm all right."

Kathryn laid a hand on Lina's shoulder.

"What happened?"

A few meters away a low beep caught the Doctors attention. He pushed a button and read the readings, filling the screen.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor's head snapped up and saw the captain.

"What's wrong? Is there something wrong with the readings?"

"Ehm… No, it's nothing. My patient must rest…"

Kathryn nodded, something was wrong, she could smell it, but she walked away, hoping the Doctor would eventually be honest with her.

The Doctor walked to Lina.

"I'm going to sedate you for an hour, you need it."

Lina nodded tired and the Doctor put a hypospray to her neck.

--

It was pretty late that evening when Chakotay entered sickbay. The Doctor looked at him.

"Have you found out anything?"

"Yes, the person has been here."

"Who is it?"

The Doctor gave Chakotay a padd, and he quickly read it.

"Are you sure?"

"I wish I weren't."

Chakotay sighed.

"Well, now I suddenly understand why she hasn't told anyone."

"I'm starting to wonder why we haven't figures it out earlier."

Chakotay straightened up.

"You won't tell a living sole about this, even in your log – understood?"

The Doctor nodded and Chakotay turned around took a quick look at Lina – still sleeping on the biobed - and he left.

--

Chakotay sat down in his quarters and read the whole report.

Damn This just couldn't be true!

_But it will explain a lot of things_, his animal guide whispered. _Many questions is now answered_.

Chakotay sighed. _How_ could this be true? And _how_ could he have been so blind?

_It was under your nose the whole time, and you didn't see anything_, his animal guide teased him.

Chakotay slapped his hand on the table.

"This isn't about me!", he blurted.

He thought about Lina. What living hell she must be in. Why hadn't she told him? Could he have helped?

He looked out the window at the stars. How long had this been going on?

He sat like that for at least half an hour, until he jumped by the sound of his commbadge.

"Doctor to Chakotay."

"Yes Doctor?"

"She's awake now, in case you want to talk to her."

At those words – Chakotay immediately turned to the door.

Thank you Doctor, I'm on my way.

--

"Lina?"

Lina groaned. She didn't want to talk to anybody. Not after the encounter with the captain, she had put her hand on Lina's shoulder, and Lina's blood pressure had gone over 200.

She opened her eyes, and saw Chakotay standing over her.

"Hi…"

"How are you feeling?"

A faint smile passed over Lina's lips.

"Never felt better."

Lina was still drugged, and her words sounded like if she was drunk.

"I have to talk to you."

"There's no time like the present."

He hesitated.

"I know your secret."

Lina's eyes and mouth snapped open, and for the second time that day, her blood pressure went up to 200.

"How do you know?"

"The Doctor and I have done some research."

Lina tried to sit up.

"My god, and when she came in…"

Chakotay gently stopped her.

"Yes, we saw it on your readings."

Lina lay down with a large sigh. She ran her hand over her face.

"Who else knows about it?"

"No one except the Doctor and me."

"The captain?"

"Doesn't have clue."

Lina closed her eyes.

"Oh good."

"But you will have to tell her."

Again, Lina's eyes snapped open.

"Oh no, forget it, not in a million years!"

"Why not?"

"I'm not stupid."

"Do you know you're dying?"

"Yes, of course I am."

"Then, what were you planning to do?"

Lina didn't answer.

"I know you were planning to take your life! I found the poison and the letter."

Lina just stared at him.

"And now you're planning to stop me?"

"I can try!"

"I'm dying anyway."

"Either way she has to know."

"What can I say? I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, but I'm in love with you!"

"No, you know exactly what to say."

"Yes, NOTHING!"

"If you don't do it, I will."

Lina sat up.

"NO, I forbid you to do it! Please, it's better if she'll never know about it!"

"She has the right to know."

"I'm not doing it and you either!"

Chakotay gently pushed Lina back.

"Try to get some rest, we'll talk more about it tomorrow."

But when Chakotay walked out Lina knew he was gonna tell on her.

--

Captain Janeway looked at her first officer.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Not this."

"Then tell me!"

Chakotay didn't answer, he just looked at her. They had had this argument for almost an hour now. Chakotay had suddenly realized that Lina's feelings weren't unanswered. But it seemed Kathryn was unaware of that fact.

"What do you feel about her?"

"WHAT?!"

Kathryn was surprised and angry.

"You know what I'm talking about, deep in your heart you know the truth."

She sat down, suddenly feeling very empty.

Of course she knew the truth. She'd known it before they even had found out the course to Lina's illness. She looked down.

"Will they accept me?"

"They don't have a choice."

She looked up.

"Yes they do!"

Chakotay sighed, he knew this could go on forever.

"You have to talk to her."

"I don't have anything to say."

Kathryn stood, and walked a few steppes.

"No, you two have a lot to talk about."

She turned to him.

"Why! We both know nothing could happen."

With a sigh, Chakotay sat down.

"She didn't want you to know."

"And I can understand why, just wait until the crew founds out about it!"

"No, that's not the truth."

"Then why? You seam to know everything!"

Chakotay stood again.

"She's in love with you and doesn't want to be in the way."

Kathryn closed her eyes.

"Do you have any idea what she wanted to do before we found out?"

"No."

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"But I guess you know."

Chakotay nodded, and Kathryn turned to the window, hands on her hips.

"Tell me then", she almost whispered.

"She'd wait a few more weeks and then she'd drink a poison, hidden in her quarters."

Kathryn faced him.

"Then she'd die!"

"Yes, that's exactly what she wants to do."

Kathryn sat down again.

"We can't let her do that…"

Chakotay sat down beside Kathryn.

"How? She'll die anyway."

"We have to find a remedy!"

"She'll take the poison anyway."

"Why?"

Chakotay sighed.

"She doesn't want to live on this ship alone in her world, knowing you don't want her."

Kathryn's brow furrowed.

"What do you mean by "her world"?"

"She's known all her life, who she is and what she is."

Kathryn sighed.

"Am I the first?"

"No, but I think you are the last.2

"Why?"

Chakotay couldn't stop a small grin.

"Have you forgotten what race she belongs to?"

"DAMN!"

Kathryn stood, running her hands over her face.

"Do you want her to die?"

"No, of course not!"

She turned to him as he stood and faced her.

"Then talk to her, before it is too late!"

--

Lina awoke slowly, not exactly sure where she were, or why. She opened her eyes.

On the biobed next to her sat the captain. For a brief moment, Lina hoped the captain hadn't found out yet. But the look of that beautiful woman, looking back at her told her the hell was here.

"Please give me a quick death", Lina almost whispered.

"No, you won't die. We're gonna do everything in our power to help you."

"But if I want to die?"

Kathryn didn't say anything more.

"How are you?", she finally asked.

"Well, I guess you know the truth, so that means you finally know exactly."

She sat up.

"In a very long time actually."

"I guess we have a lot to talk about."

"There isn't anything to say."

As Lina said that, she heightened her arm in a gesture and the sleeve went down, revealed on her skin was now an almost black stain.

Kathryn gasped.

"Oh my god, what have I done to you!"

And suddenly Lina knew it was now or never. If she wanted the captain to know, this was it, no run away, no excuses, here and now.

"You haven't done anything to me, no one has, it's nature."

"We have to stop it."

"We can't."

Lina looked at her Captain.

"I… I love you…"

"I know", Kathryn sighed.

"And that's the reason why I'm dying. My only rescue is if you love me back, and you don't. Or am I wrong?"

Kathryn turned away.

"I'm not sure…"

Lina was surprised, she didn't _know_? She sat silent. She wasn't _sure_?

"Please tell me, she managed."

"I don't know!"

Kathryn jumped down from the biobed and started to walk a few steppes.

"I can't force you to anything, but I can ask you."

Kathryn turned and met Lina´s eyes, they were filled with tears, she looked down.

"Somehow, I've always known, and somehow he found out."

Lina looked at her in surprise; this wasn't what she expected.

"Who?"

"Chakotay."

Lina couldn't stop a ironic smile.

"So he told you?"

"Not only told me your secret, he found out mine as well."

Lina's brows furrowed. She knew she didn't have anything to do with it, but she was curious.

But Kathryn didn't answer instead she met Lina's eyes.

"Is it true what he said, that you was going to take your life?"

"Lina nodded."

"Yes, I knew I was going to die anyway."

Kathryn swallowed.

"And it would never pass?"

Lina gave up a small smile.

"Can't you for one second understand?"

"What is there to understand?"

"I love you, and I can't live without you, it's a physical state, not even the Doctor can stop it and you know that."

Kathryn nodded.

"But still, there must be _something_ we can do?"

"Not if you don't love me."

Kathryn turned away again, God why was this so hard? Why couldn't she just admit her feelings and get it over with?

"The best way to end it all is to take my life."

Kathryn looked at her in horror.

"NO!"

Lina looked sadly at her captain.

"I will die anyway, besides; I can't stay here, not now, not when I'm that exposed!"

Kathryn sat down at the biobed again.

"How long have you known?"

"About three months."

"My God… And not a word to anyone?"

"No."

Kathryn eyed her, clearly concerned.

"How did you survive?"

"Survive? You know I didn't, I'm dying."

Kathryn swallowed hard. She knew she didn't want Lina to die, and she knew why, but it was so hard to say it.

"Do you **want** to die?"

"Yes, as it is right now it's easier if I'll do that."

"Can I make you change your mind?"

"Maybe…"

Kathryn's heart took a jump.

"Then tell me how!"

"It's not that easy, there would still be a part of me that wouldn't want to keep fighting."

Kathryn stood at the floor.

"Can we fight together?"

"I appreciate your concern but it's already too late, I'm dying."

"I don't want you to die."

"Why?"

And Kathryn finally said the words.

"Because I… I love you."

Lina felt tears burn behind her eyes. Could this beautiful woman actually love her? She didn't have time to give it more thought, because suddenly the captain kissed her. The Captain, who wasn't her captain anymore, but her lover.

The End


End file.
